After 7 years of marriage, I am flying solo again. Only, now I have a couple of cute little passengers that are depending on me to be the perfect pilot. I have two additional lives to nurture and protect, to teach and be a role model for. I have two extra mouths to feed and bodies to clothe. And you know what? I’m up for the challenge!
Even before I was a mother or a wife, I prayed for God to create in me, a fit mother and a fit wife. I prayed that God would bless me with children and a husband into which I could pour my love.
Kids are usually a safe vessel in which to pour your love, as they are like sponges. And they reciprocate love without hesitation and without prerequisites. However, man-woman relationships can be dysfunctional and stagnant, lacking in the key ingredients required for happiness. These relationships can be draining, counterproductive, volatile, lacking love and luster, depth and intimacy, trust. Dissolving the foundation and institution of marriage, these unions, are destructive and haphazard.
Constantly tugging at your heart, your identity, your pride, your dreams and aspirations, these relationships will challenge your ability to maintain wholeness, positive self-esteem and identity. Maintaining wholeness in the midst of heartache and disappointment is a challenge!
Thank God for spending nearly three years with me, preparing me for such an experience as marriage and motherhood. During this almost three-year period, I chose not to date or even to communicate with men other than the ones in my family. I had no desire to be in a relationship; to go through yet another heartbreak. I had no desire to experience the “games that people play”, the constant play for the panties. I left it all alone.
I had some things to sort out. I needed to know who I was and what love meant to me, on all levels. I needed to know my heart’s desire. It was during this time that I experienced security and balance. I was given the space to experience the depth of pain and feelings of inadequacy that I had experienced as a result of past failed relationships. I sat across the table from this pain and stared it dead in the eye. I asked, “Who are you and where did you come from”? What is your source? Why do you make me feel so bad?
Guess what? I got my answers! I thought those failures were a direct reflection of me. I defined myself and attached my worth to those relationships. Somehow, I was not good enough and it was my fault. Somehow, I was not choice because I was inadequate. ALL LIES!!! The truth of the matter was that I was settling. I gave too much with no real commitments.
My time in the cocoon, felt safe! It gave me time to be with myself, my feelings, uncovering my heart’s desires. It gave me time to pray and to let God console me and comfort me, love me, cleanse me and heal me. This was an extremely intimate time with the Creator. The wholeness that I felt, I don’t ever remember feeling in all of my life. After my release from the cocoon, I felt enlivened, beautiful, confident and ready to love and be loved. I came out knowing what I would give to my future family.
And now after seven years of marriage I realize my one mistake, I didn’t think about what the other person was bringing to the table. I was so consumed with what I wanted to give to those that I loved, that I didn’t take the time to think about or ask what the other person had to offer. I assumed that everyone that wanted to be married with kids prepared themselves.
I thought it customary that everyone clean themselves up, letting go of baggage. You focus your attention on personal growth. You become a team player. You aim to please and to support, to work together and forge ahead together. I’ve got your back and you’ve got mine. This is what I was prepared to do and to be. I THOUGHT EVERYONE THOUGHT THAT AND DID THAT.
Well, they don’t. And when they don’t, you’ve got big trouble! The lack of, tugs and threatens your sense of security and self-worth. It threatens your dreams and aspirations, YOUR WHOLENESS.
Through everything, there is ONE THING that gave me energy and will power. It was God’s love and knowing that I am worthy of a deeper love. My cocoon time, or shall I say my “SPA TIME WITH GOD” gave me something that no one will ever be able to give me nor take away. That is SELF WORTH, SELF LOVE, DIRECTION AND INSIGHT INTO THE DESIRES OF MY HEART.
I BELIEVE THAT IT IS THROUGH GOD’S LOVE AND THE POWER OF THAT LOVE TO FORTIFY US, THAT WE CAN MAINTAIN OUR SELF-WORTH. IT IS THROUGH GOD’S LOVE THAT WE CAN BE UNBREAKABLE.